The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
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Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
All set.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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