nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
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All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…