the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
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Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.