@TheBoydP: The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
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@Tommytoughstuff: [Date] "I'm going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there's six."
@parkersJoking: Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking "Damn I knew we shouldn't have given him that REI gift card"
@ArfMeasures: "Remember u don't choose your spirit animal. It choose u" ME: Ok great *all the animals immediately look away & avoid eye contact with me*