The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
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11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir