The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
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And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.