A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
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I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.