The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
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Me trying to reach for my goals
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
“what’s it like having a sister?”
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.