The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
You Might Also Like
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?