@sploosk: The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
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@AristotlesNZ: Him: Ha! I got your ATM card. Me: So? You'll never guess my PIN. Him: Is it 6969? Me:.. Him:. Me:.. Him:. Me: Seriously dude, give it back.
@Kauaibride: settle down twitter crush. i didn't ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i've picked for our kids
@Vodkantots: Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: I left my pills in my other bag & I'm about to get REALLY chatty. C: You're free to go.
@Jennco_W: Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I'm opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.