The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
You Might Also Like
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.