The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
You Might Also Like
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..