The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
You Might Also Like
Rambo Rambow
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call