The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
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“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them