@lovemydogduck: The only times I go for a jog is when there's a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
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@thatUPSdude: Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting? "hey I'm taking a shit but come on in and join me"
@krisv_723: *At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom* Nurse: What's the emergency ma'am? Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
@Home_Halfway: BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet. "It was always huge & full sized!" said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
@robcorddry: Batman's an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade