The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
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My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?