two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
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After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields