The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
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JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”