The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
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Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed