The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
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Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Okey dokey.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another