Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
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Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.