@TheMichaelRock: The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you're having a velociraptor.
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@dafloydsta: ME: I have good news & bad news WIFE: Bad news first ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV WIFE: We don't have a- ME: Aaaaand now the good news
@markleggett: I'm using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.
@dshack8: "Lady In Red" is my favorite song about a guy that's trying to get laid even though he can't remember her goddamn name.
@meganyyb: Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?