@SaraMansford: The only way I'd be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I'd have to eventually fold.
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@ilovepie84: My friend said his baby is sooo smart but the stupid idiot can't even figure out his way home when I forget him on the bus
@Black__Elvis: I accidentally shot my girlfriend on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Dance like nobody's watching. Do the dishes like nobody's watching. Change into that robe like nobody's watching. No, the other one.