My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
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How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.