The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
You Might Also Like
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
he’s doing your taxes
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
doing your own taxes
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.