The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
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When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.