The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
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i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?