@jwoodham: The only way I'm coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
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@slimmy_shady: Honest ads - 'Hot singles in your area want to be just friends'. 'Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother'.
@Momtoteens: Dear Grocery Bagger, Please don't put dryer sheets and bread in the same bag. My kids don't like peanut butter & Spring Meadow sandwiches.
@sageboggs: My friends & I were taking shots every time Trump interrupted Clinton. My BFF Chad is dead :(
@SortaBad: *slips the attendant $20* "make sure you pick me out a good one" Sir this is a daycare... "uh huh *winks* a daycare"