The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
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me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Ferrari squats
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬