@jwoodham: The only way I'm coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
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@InternetHippo: BEN CARSON’S WIFE: Are you coming home for dinner BEN CARSON: Go to ben carson dot com and read my plan to come home for dinner
@JohnMayer: I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
@Marlebean: Me, bewildered: "What is this odd thingy?" H: It's called a wine stopper. Me, whisper cries: "Why would anyone want to stop the wine?"