@McNevich: The only way I'm listening to a voicemail is if I think the pizza guy is lost
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@POOPSCRUFFIN4U: [first date] DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths ME: *slowly pushes date's coffee off table*
@Dawn_M_: I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don't want them to fall in love with me.
@trevso_electric: If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.