@McNevich: The only way I'm listening to a voicemail is if I think the pizza guy is lost
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@michaelianblack: "Man of Steel" is about a boy learning how to control his alien body. It is a two and a half hour allegory about puberty.
@david8hughes: [board meeting] "So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?" "I call it the 'Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower'." "Uh no."
@Lisabug74: One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I'm telling you now.
@VapingSonic: My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus' party than RSVP'd but he still had enough cake for everyone