Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
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Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
We’ve come full circle
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.