The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
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*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
superman landing like a plane on his belly
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Schrödinger’s cookie
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.