If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
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is there nothing we can trust anymore
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
step 6: release the wall snake
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Who’s ready for Friday?!
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.