the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
You Might Also Like
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.