Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
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The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
The real reason evolution started..😂
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.