The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
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I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
the council will decide your fate
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…