The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
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Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
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They must have gotten it to go.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I finally found a reason to live again.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.