The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
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Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer