The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
You Might Also Like
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
me: who鈥檚 ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Basketball games are very squeaky.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can鈥檛 catch a break.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
馃ぃ馃槶 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it鈥檚 still today
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There鈥檚 also a switch on it so no one will know which way it鈥檚 supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 馃槒
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.