@SleazySli: The opposite of a nightmare is a morningstallion.
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@themorris23: I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
@Pro_Jones_: (Wedding) Priest: They've written their vows Wife: *recites beautiful vows* Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
@msdanifernandez: My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.