@SleazySli: The opposite of a nightmare is a morningstallion.
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@Cpin42: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because you got picked on in high school? Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
@cbdoubleu: [Going through rubble after a house fire] Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined. Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.
@DurtMcHurtt: *Asks soulmate* What is your dream car and why? Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
@pakalupapito: If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.