A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
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Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me