@KenJennings: The opposite of "Free Willy" is "Predestinationy."
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@InternetHippo: [creating x-men] A wheelchair-bound visionary leads his people through a major conflict "That's literally WWII" Ok then…one guy has claws
@SamGrittner: *job interview* "Where do you see yourself in five years?" "Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface."
@DevilryFun: Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, "Lets find something for mature skin." And then Security had to escort me.
@AnOrangeSNES: Senior: *Gets diploma* I'm glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*