@KenJennings: The opposite of "Free Willy" is "Predestinationy."
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@doktorj: *lies down on waxing table Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
@stuckinaportal: *wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets* WE ARET HROUGH maybe it's an anagram *rearranges* ROUGH WEATHER whoa better pack an umbrella
@michaelianblack: I always rode clean. Always. Never won any bike races. Never competed. Don't even really know how to ride a bike. #vindicated
@alyssawolff: *sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs* Me: Need help with that? Her: Yeah! Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.