ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
You Might Also Like
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
accurate
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*