facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
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Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.