The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
There’s never enough good news
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.