The options really are this bad
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I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch