The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
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I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Basically.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars