The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
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Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Brother?
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.