The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
You Might Also Like
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I’m calling the cops.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.