The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
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We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
My wife gives the best headache.