The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
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I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I WON A HAM TODAY
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
That’s enough internet for the day
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?