The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
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Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask