The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
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I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.