@deviledlegs: The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog's poop.
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@lisaOoOo: I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
@Brianhopecomedy: "Daddy?" "Yes?" "What are you doing?" "Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter."
@TheCatWhisprer: Sorry I can't come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.