@deviledlegs: The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog's poop.
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@Dadpression: Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
@Piecezilla: Welcome To Earth. You're not supposed to rub your eyes when they itch even though nothing feels better than rubbing your eyes when they itch
@UNTRESOR: "Sorry, boss. I can't come in today." "Why not?" [fakes a sore throat] "I'm in jail for vehicular manslaughter."