The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
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A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.