@deviledlegs: The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog's poop.
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@Ali_Kourani: “Are you sexually active?” [Flashback to that one time I sat in a chair a girl was just sitting in and it still felt warm.] “Yes.”
@OtherDanOBrien: [Cat birthday party] *Cat opens gift from her husband* "It's...an empty box." *silence* "Oh honey, I love it!"
@Overdue_Bills: My daughter wrote "Daddy is the best" in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She'll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
@TheBoydP: Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…