[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
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[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”