The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
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Every photo I’m tagged in
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
After 35, your body ages in dog years
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor