[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
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Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Haha! 😂
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
eating my hot dog hamburger style
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder